Dear Councilman Tippens,
I just read in the Marshland Times that you passed the Hyde County Litter Initiative. I won’t claim to know the ups and downs of your plan, as I have not read it in full, but I can tell you one thing is for sure. If you want to clean up this county, you have got to get the squirrels on your side.
As I am sure you have read on my blog Around the Squirrel’d In 80 Days, Hyde County squirrels tend to be easily influenced. What if we convince all the squirrels in town that all this litter is really treasure?
First, we go to locations where squirrels are known to congregate (behind Dollar Plus, in the picnic area at the Grayson Plantation, various backyards) and we leave them maps of the city, with X’s showing areas with a high litter concentration. Since squirrels display a level of curiosity on par with, or exceeding, that of a human being (as we all found out during my hour long public access special “What’s That Nut?” which as you know is available on VHS through my personal website www.squirrelydevin.com.) and a keen sense of direction, they will undoubtedly seek out, and find, an answer to the question “What’s that X?” We just need to be sure the maps are created using the Squirrel Alphabet that I pasted into the phonics books at Wilfred Elementary. These books should still be in county storage, since the school board replaced them immediately.
Second, what do people do with treasure? They either barter with it in exchange for goods, or they keep it in a safe place. As we know, there is no commerce in squirrel society, (You can re-watch the video of my unsuccessful attempts to purchase nuts from a squirrel on my youtube channel, SquirrelCam33.), so the only viable option would be for these squirrels to store their treasure in the safest place they have access to—their homes. Since we know where all the squirrels in Hyde County live (revisit my letter from April “Population Density and Social Structure of Indigenous Terrestrial Rodent Populations” for a refresher.), we’ll be able to collect the treasure/litter at our convenience.
Finally, you may be asking yourself, “Well, what if the squirrels don’t give their treasure up peacefully?” Who would, right? An object that one deems a “treasure” has value. In the event that an armed intervention is necessary, you can refer to the infographic I submitted to the Marshland Times in January illustrating the inherent military weakness of Sciurus Carolinenis (eastern grey squirrels). As it never made it to print, you’ll have to check with Dale Kimson, he promised it would be “available upon request”. I will also gladly volunteer to strategically consult on any sort of law enforcement effort to this end.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
P.S. I’ve enclosed a copy of a manuscript of my new self-printed and bound field manual. Squirrel Chatter: Let’s Talk About (and With) Squirrels. I think you’ll begin to reconsider the practicality of my plan after you read the forward. It was written by a squirrel.